My good and late friend, the Dr. Reverend Roger Dean once shared a wise observation with me.
"I've often noticed that some of the funniest people I've met are also the saddest," He said to me. Not only was he speaking rhetorically, but he was speaking directly to me. This was a long time ago and I was shocked to know that he could see into me the way that he had.
I apologize that this post is not going to be very upbeat and if I sound sad and self-pitying. I hope you can forgive me. I've been in a real funk lately for various reasons. I won't go into specifics, but the reasons relate to things done to me and even more so the horrible way I've recently treated some loved ones. I seek to forgive, to be forgiven, and to forgive myself.
It has been one of those periods when I don't feel worthy of the devotion that my dog gives me. I feel like a big question mark. Our choices and our actions define us and lately mine have caused me shame. I've always tried to think that I'm not as bad as my worse day and not quite as good as my best one. In sum, I'm in search of better days.
I just read about St. Thomas--the famous "Doubting Thomas" of the Bible. This is an excerpt of what I read:
For some of us, the first and only thing we remember about him is his statement: “Unless I see … I will not believe” (John 20:25). But earlier on, when Jesus told the Twelve that he was going back to a hostile Judea to help his friend Lazarus, Thomas rallied the other disciples to join him. “Let us also go to die with him” (11:16), he said. So maybe there’s more to Thomas than doubt.
If a saint can be more than what he is most known for then maybe there's hope for me. I also heard a priest compare St. Thomas to Bill Buckner. He was a professional baseball player that had a fantastic 22 year career, but sadly he is most remembered for an error he made in the 1986 World Series. This made me think of Jackie Smith, the Hall of Fame/All-Pro tight-end. He was one of the best ever to play the position, but he's most remembered for dropping a pass against the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl.
These little anecdotes should give me a glimmer of hope, but I still feel pretty hollowed out. Again, I feel the need to apologize if I sound pathetic, but writing has often served as a catharsis for me. I don't mean to seek out drama or any one's pity. Be assured that my family and I are well, but I could probably use any spare prayers or good thoughts you might not be using. Please forgive one last stupidly obvious question.
Have any of you ever felt like this?
